Most of the time, we live in denial. It’s ok to live that way I believe. At some point, life will fade and denial will lose its grip on your daily thinking. I think you should make good use of denial for as long as you can. I don’t mean denying that you might be doing something stupid or that if you stay on the same course, bad things are going to happen.
I’m talking about denying that death is a part of life. That’s why stages may be useful. In the early stages of our lives, we do not think about our mortality very much. Good or not so good, that’s just a fact. The ancient thinkers would find that bad I think. To them, knowing that death is nearer than you think gives you fuel for a more vibrant and responsive life.
Now that I’m older and had a few personal brushes with death, I tend to agree with the wise ones. But I still cling to the idea that when you’re young, living with constant thoughts of death is morose and even damaging.
When I went into Hospice work, I learned about what might be 4th and 5th stage living, more towards the end of life. Almost daily, I was pretty involved with the dying, the 5th stage I would say. End of life. I was good at helping people in that stage. I miss being able to be able to help people but I don’t miss being surrounded by the dying. It got heavy after almost a decade.
But you can’t escape it really. You might see a lot less of death, but it’s still part of your life. You do learn how to adjust to the stage you are in and your loved ones as well. In fact, it can give you extra incentive to partner up with them and invest yourself in their life all over again. You gain that ancient wisdom and put it to use, even if your younger partners are in a different, less death aware stage.
Our dog Bo just died a couple of weeks ago and we had that kind of relationship with him, at least the making his life better part. We kept him going and walking and going places for as long as he could. Deb fed him like he was a king, eating food fit for a king I think. In some ways our lives revolved around him. We got him from the shelter 6 or 7 years ago and he was gentle and energetic for 9 years old. He could be a bit frustrating at times, but not bad. He was a good steady Eddie, always ready to go out the door with you.
But over the last two years, he went through stage 4 and the last couple of months, stage 5. What a courages, never say die kind of dog he was. Like all the dogs in our lives, he was Debbie’s dog. I’m not bad for them, but they love her. Maybe she just spoils them endlessly. But we both feel the loss. And this loss took place over a couple of years. Sometimes I wonder if it changed my personality and if anyone noticed. I think it made me more quiet at times, and even more sad because I knew his time with us was short. He had several bounce backs which you are glad for but they make it harder in their own way. He just had no quit in him.
I like that. But it was extra painful at the end and brought a touch of somberness to our home for almost 2 years. Would we do anything differently? I don’t think so. He wanted to live and we wanted him to be happy while he could. Right up to the end, you could see him look at you and kind of melt your heart.
He’s at peace now and the house is less something, I don’t know what the right word is actually. But it is. I would not have wanted to pick him up at the shelter years ago and started telling him that he was going to die in 6 years so that he could prepare himself for death. Seems pretty stupid, right? I If I had my way, none of God’s creatures would ever die. Short of that, I’m glad we get to make life better for the cats and dogs and birds and kids and lovers and neighbors in the meantime.
