Attachment to another person has been the subject of a lot of authors and clinicians. They have come up with some theories that make some sense. Some of us easily attach to others, especially when you are physically attracted to them. That would be a good description of me. Some do not so easily and avoid readily attaching to others, that is closer to my wife.
There seem to be healthy kinds of attachments and not so healthy attachments. Too Klingy or too distant seem to be the chief characteristics of an imperfect attachment style. If there is a perfect attachment, I haven’t come across it, but there must be something that strikes a balance and the clinicians call a healthy attachment style.
I think these concepts are not very good because they generalize peoples relationships. On the other hand, I think these concepts can be helpful because you can look at what wise people often think of as healthy relationships. And you can see where you fall in the spectrum. The theory does not have a one size fits all category and so you need to be careful as you think about these things.
When you start hearing things like, you smother me, or I’m losing my identity, or I need space, or you can’t handle me being away from you, then you are dealing with attachment theory from the avoidant side. When you hear things like, you won’t do anything with me anymore, or you won’t kiss me like you mean it or why does it seem like you are trying to get away from me? Then you are dealing with the other side of attachment theory.
Two things I’ve learned from attachment theory, you have to take your partners concerns seriously. As a sidetnote, some partners take a long time to even tell you their concerns. So you may have to put a lot of work into finding out those concerns. The other thing I learned from attachment theory is that you come to marriage already prepped to attach well or to attach poorly.
It is something you learned in your earlier years and your marriage either blooms or withers depending on how well you get along with each other in your mates presence and in their absence.
The trouble for Debbie and I is probably obvious to you if you’ve known us or read our posts. I attach easily and she holds off. She makes friends easily, but the deep relationship with me was different. And we didn’t really have to deal with this for many years except on a couple of occasions. Which meant we did not talk about it well. We were pretty satisfied for the most part over the years, but something left me feeling like there was more for us.
I tried to explain it and we kept dancing around it because I did not do well at communicating my thoughts. But one day, while I was gone to the Boundary Waters Debbie had an encounter with God on the morning walk we take each day now. She and God were visiting and like the crusty scales over Pauls eyes falling away, Debbie began shedding fears as well. In a few minutes she was renewed for our partnership and love. That encounter with God set us up for a fantastic romance this summer. It provided the courage for her to grow closer to me and it ended up bringing great confidence to both of us that we are well loved in so many ways, both by God and each other.
Debbie still finds the explanation of what took place on the dam behind our house to be supernatural. When she tries to explain it, she has to work hard to find all the words to describe it. I don’t need much of an explanation as I am enjoying it so much and I continue to adore her for giving her heart to me again with such a full embrace when I got back from the canoe trip. Our time apart created an amazing reunion and as they say, the rest is history.
Over the years, we’ve noticed quite a few couples that have not found the balance that I’m talking about. Maybe half or more, not sure, but we feel the pain of those couples that seem to smother or separate to cope with their individual needs. We don’t have it all figured out, but we do well at talking about it now, and allowing God to create our schedule, agenda, hopes and dreams for each day.
If I had to do it all over again, I world try to learn more about what creates trust between two people that are intimate. Trust for me seems easier, at least until you show yourself to be untrustworthy too many times. Trust for Debbie was harder to come by. Much of that comes from being unable to trust the people that should have modeled trust to her in her early years. We’ve know that for years but I still knew very little about creating trust for her to be fully herself. I would change that sooner if I could go back in time.
I used to tell people about Skunks, Turtles and Skirtles. Some of us are Skunks, you know where we are and when we are around, we just spray it out and you go pew, smell that. Skunk alert. Some are turtles, when danger is around they withdraw into their shell until danger is passed. I would tell people maybe it’s better to try to be a cross between the two, a skirtle. But that is a subject for communication theory, a post yet to come.
In the meantime, if you get something out of this post, it probably should be something like this, worry a little less about your needs and when they will be met and take more of an interest in your partners needs and build trust in the process. Trust is key. Love you Dear.