What would I do over or differently if I could? I would put her needs first. And the first need is to find out what her needs are. This was not easy. Her experience did not allow her to trust me for two reasons, her fathers abuse transferred itself to me and our relationship and then when I acted in a manner that was similar to her fathers trying to control her, I failed again to get her to share her need.
I often thought I was putting her needs first, but somehow, I managed to slip my needs in there right alongside hers or even claim I was meeting her needs when I was really trying to meet mine. Say that 10 times fast. Anyhow, marriage can be complicated, that’s all I’m saying. We don’t always know why we do what we do. The more you understand the why of your way, you will end up going where no-one has gone before. A little Star Trek inspiration there.
Now if you’re thinking, Marty, how could you have known all that when you were so young, and don’t beat yourself up over those things, then stop thinking that. I’m not beating myself up and I realize that we had the deck stacked against us when we got married. I’m just saying you can learn from other marriages, good, bad and otherwise.
It’s been difficult to settle for living with some unmet needs. In the last few years I began to notice how much Debbie has disliked some of our trips and places where we have gone. Often it is about the travel experience or how much time we continued to spend in the car even after we got to our destination. She had good reason for those feelings and I agree with them. But it took several years to get to the bottom of why they were troubling for her. This summer we got to the bottom and now we are building back up on our travel plans and places.
My need to travel and fill my eyes with wonder and geography and beauty and interesting cultures was threatened when I found that she was not very interested in going with me. In fact, truth be told, she was not looking forward to any more travel. I’ll give you a hint, just a hint, I learned to drive in New York City. Nuff Said?This brought about some heated conversations. And in those conversations, I began to see that I didn’t always cause the problems but I was often a poor solver of those problems and sometimes I actually made travel and outdoor living more stressful for her and the family. We worked though that this year and my needs are again being addressed to my great joy and relief.
Now, I am so much more ready to put Debbies needs back above mine that I have been in a long time. The funny thing, if you can learn to do this, there is a good chance you will address your needs in due time and the outcomes will be much better.
A lot of this post is about the ability to communicate. And if you can talk to each other with clarity and understanding of why you feel certain feelings, then you have a good chance of meeting each others needs and bringing happiness into your lives.
And if the deck is stacked against you because of the baggage you bring to marriage, then you have to work harder at this. Many people suppress their needs until one day they can’t do it any longer. Then they have a confrontation. And after a certain amount of unresolved confrontations, they separate or divorce. Easier to stop fighting in many case then to figure out what is really going on.
I’m an idealist most of the time. I think most things can be fixed in marriage. Maybe I’m naive, or even immature. Sometimes I’m a bit of a, nah, I’m not gonna say it. But I remain hopeful.
The other thing I would try to be better at is by expressing my needs in a non demanding way. Debbie says I told her my needs and there was some threat attached to them if they went unmet. If we didn’t travel together anymore, then our marriage would be blank or blank. Well, don’t do that. Keep the ultimatums away from your unmet needs. Don’t let them be in the same conversation. Find a way of explaining your needs without threatening your partner. That’s deeply disrespectful. People can’t hear your needs when you disrespect them.
I think those two ideas are useful and just might save you a lot of grief and unpleasantries in your marriage and maybe all your relationships. Give it a try. Determine to get better at communicating your needs and how you want to see those needs met and put the other persons needs ahead of your own.