One of the greatest motivators in life is facing your own death. But to do it as much as our hospice team members do is to lose a part of yourself with every death. And it can render you paralyzed after a few years. I get tired of thinking about death and talking about it. Heck, I’m around it all the time and often experience 1 or 2 deaths a day. For some of those people I am the only one in the room with them when they die. I hold their hands. I look into their eyes and I breath in harmony with their breaths, continuing to breath after they have taken their last lungful of air. One of those deaths is enough to make me grieve for months, maybe a year of more.
What I try to do is to help the dying with their fears. I have my own fear to be sure, but I am there for their fear. There are at least 3 fear tracks that I notice.
Some people, usually parents fear for their children, grown children. They want to be sure they are OK. Seems like we never stop parenting. Mothers are especially likely to experience this fear. Are my kids going to be OK? Fathers feel it too, but there is something in the one that gave you life that is especially triggered. As a child, the more peace you can bring to your parent or guardian as they die and reassurance that you will be fine, the more likely they will die peacefully.
Some people are afraid of the process of dying. They are not worried about the final breath as much as the breaths just before the final breath. Will there be pain, struggle, trouble getting air, agony or other kinds of suffering? This is where the hospice nurse really shines as they educate people about the process. Time and time again I have seen a nurse hold the hand of someone near death and gently educate them about those last breaths and how they are going to help them avoid suffering and an agonizing death. Miracles take place literally as I watch people lose their fears about suffering at death. It may take several conversations, but nurses that have experienced many deaths of their patients are loving guides and bring great relief to the dying. I often tell people to get close to their hospice nurse, they will become one of your best friends as you care for a loved one that is dying.
The third fear is what happens after death. Where will I be. Some never experience this fear because they believe there is no afterlife. That often precludes this fear. But most people I’ve cared for ponder this question while they are resting in bed at night as the dark hours come on. Is there a heaven? Will I go there? What about Hell? I don’t deserve to go there.
In a very small nutshell, those are the 3 fears that I regularly encounter. When you're healthy and feeling great, you rarely consider any of them. And why should you? You get to choose what you think about, right? That’s true. Any prolonged thinking about death, your death, my death is often seen as an intrusion, an unwanted conversation or even argument.
I suggest that you think about it anyhow. Not morbidly, but exploratory. The people that are the most peaceful at the end of their lives and die with dignity are those that allowed themselves to ponder the meaning of life and the last act of a human life, death. There is more to be gained by these ponderings than you might imagine. Admitting your fears is crucial to dealing with your fears and living fully each day.