In Out Of Africa, there is a scene where two lions, one for Meryl Streep and one for Robert Redford provide all the terror one needs in a lifetime. Watch the clip here. Both lions are dispatched by both actors.
We all have fears. Some fears are born of past fears and we find it difficult to let loose of them in the present because of how much they affected us in the past. Sometimes we learn to move out into the savannah knowing full well that it is a place of danger and there are things we are afraid of out there. But still we go.
The other day, we had a pair of Coyotes that stayed close to us and didn’t run off quickly, keeping an eye on us as we watched them. If I had any fear, I tamped it down and pushed forward. Debbie has learned to depend on herself because she had to protect herself when she was young. Either no one else was around or had the ability to protect her. This means that you come to rely on yourself and no one else. She would have preferred to turn around and get away from the Coyotes. You can guess what I preferred.
When God taught her that she could rely on Him, things began to change for her. And they are still changing. The Coyotes did not delay me, but she hesitated. I knew that the three of us, Debbie, Bo, and me would insure they would be kept at a distance, but Debbie wasn’t so sure. So she held back for a bit. After some mostly gentle coaxing from me, she moved forward again, even though we knew the Coyotes were only 50 or a 100 feet away from us in some Cattail bushes.
I like the clip because both actors are strong and capable. There is a touch of protection provided by Redford that seems a little Patriarchal. I actually like that too, since I feel like that’s part of my job as her husband, to protect her actively and passively, not putting us or her in dangerous situations needlessly and providing protection when danger does come close.
As it turns out, Streep faces her fear, the charging lioness, takes the shot and dispatches the danger. Then Redford takes the shot and dispatches the danger coming from another direction. Together, as partners, they face their fears, they don’t run from their fears, they don’t go looking for trouble, but when trouble comes, they take the shots needed to protect each other. It’s a marvelous piece of film. And it’s a marvelous picture of what Debbie and I have together. I think we have always had it, it’s just more surefooted today than it ever has been.
For Debbie, knowing that she is safer in my presence and not in danger has been the challenge, for both of us. My challenge is to not carry on in any way that leaves her feeling vulnerable or unsafe and her challenge has been to get close to me so that we can protect each other as a team. That was not her norm. Her norm was that there is no one else to protect her and she has to protect herself. That made her stronger in some ways, less vulnerable, less dependent. When you can do something by yourself, you usually end up doing it by yourself. And this crowds out the partnership of marriage.
Understanding and talking about these things has brought freedom to us, to choose safe places and experiences, to create safety, to recognize the lack of safety in certain places and times, and to trust in God that He wants us to be safe and He gave us to each other for safety and protection. What are we protecting? The other persons dignity, courage, spirit, entrepreneurial leanings and much more. The safe place to raise a family, carry on God’s mission for us and so much more.
I did not realize this very well until this summer. There is some danger in going out into the park behind our home, not much really, but some. Yet Debbie embraced this space as hers and invited me into it as her partner. The whole experience has drawn us together in ways that we did not know possible. The encounter with the Coyotes set us up to see how we can protect each other by being together, acting as a team instead of a single approach to fear.
When I asked Debbie for her heart this year, she began to learn a fresh way of giving her heart to me, allowing me to protect her. I am not sure she has yet come to automatically expect my protection when fears arrive, but she is seeing me as a guard to her heart and not a useless bystander, or worse an invader of her heart. She has made me her guy. That, my friends, is amazing.