Pandemic Recovery

Whenever you are sick, you need time to heal. That makes sense, right? Hopefully most people get that. You can tell if they get it when they lay down and rest, take the time they need to have their body and mind recover and repair. I know some people that can’t seem to do that. They are in some weird kind of denial that sleep and healing is for weak people, and they are not weak.

But most of us, when we get moderately sick or injured, seek some healing. We know that we must take some time to rest and heal so that we can gain strength to be better in the future.

Apply this thinking to the Pandemic. If you think about the injuries that took place over the last 3 years or so, they are incalculable. Let’s just say, the pain scale does not have enough numbers in it to describe the level of pain in your community or the whole world for that matter.

I was in the hospital this week before a patient died, some two hours in fact. I’m praying with her, smiling at her, reading Scripture with her and then she is gone shortly after that. This happens every day. I spent many days like this as a chaplain, being at the bedside hours, sometimes minutes, sometimes as they took their last breath. As sad as this might sound, this was common.

The thing that is different because of the pandemic is that people are dying more alone than they have in the recent past. Only two people were allowed in the room with their loved one. And some 25 people were waiting in the waiting area. The time spend together was taken from them, made smaller because of the health concerns.

I am not offering a critique of how we have handled the pandemic, I am asking about how we are going to recover from the pandemic. It seems that many people just want to see it go away, and then sort of forget about it, almost as if it never happened.

But healing can only take place if we remember that it happened and how it traumatized us as people and communities. We need not relive it but go through it together. We need rituals and celebrations and remembrances and hopes of new living and thinking from lessons learned and life lived.

I have a feeling that we were deeply wounded and will be carrying the scars of those wounds for a long time after someone sounds the All Clear Signal. We are carrying deep wounds, terrible memories, and devastating trauma in our bodies. We need to learn the lessons of togetherness, support, renewed vulnerability, awe and wonder. We need healing in various forms.

Now is not the time to close the book on the pandemic but a time to open the book of healing and health. The first book will close itself. But only we can open the pages of the second book. Now is not a time for denial of the need for healing, but a time to embrace healing and the joy of recovering what we have lost, and learning to live anew with what we cannot recover. Make healing a central part of your personal Mission for this year. Healing for you and healing for others. I’m praying for your recovery, as you are for mine.

Recovering from Vacation

Sometimes I ask myself if it is truly a vacation, why does it take me a week to recover from it? A vacation is supposed to relax, refresh, restore, yada boom yeppa, right? Well, some of that took place, but getting to the vacation part takes work, sad to say. Four days of driving is work times two at my age. I used to do four days of driving in two days. No longer, gotta sleep, walk the dog, search for proper healthy food, you know, stuff like that.

So I’m on vacation again, right here at home. No driving, long walks with the dog and my sweets, and good food every evening. Sometimes we just don’t know how good we got it. Two best things about the driving, it got us to see our son and the beach. Nifty. Ready for that again.

Love Story 9 Fears But Not Afraid

In Out Of Africa, there is a scene where two lions, one for Meryl Streep and one for Robert Redford provide all the terror one needs in a lifetime. Watch the clip here. Both lions are dispatched by both actors.

https://youtu.be/Xb6svoM3UWE

We all have fears. Some fears are born of past fears and we find it difficult to let loose of them in the present because of how much they affected us in the past. Sometimes we learn to move out into the savannah knowing full well that it is a place of danger and there are things we are afraid of out there. But still we go.

The other day, we had a pair of Coyotes that stayed close to us and didn’t run off quickly, keeping an eye on us as we watched them. If I had any fear, I tamped it down and pushed forward. Debbie has learned to depend on herself because she had to protect herself when she was young. Either no one else was around or had the ability to protect her. This means that you come to rely on yourself and no one else. She would have preferred to turn around and get away from the Coyotes. You can guess what I preferred.

When God taught her that she could rely on Him, things began to change for her. And they are still changing. The Coyotes did not delay me, but she hesitated. I knew that the three of us, Debbie, Bo, and me would insure they would be kept at a distance, but Debbie wasn’t so sure. So she held back for a bit. After some mostly gentle coaxing from me, she moved forward again, even though we knew the Coyotes were only 50 or a 100 feet away from us in some Cattail bushes.

I like the clip because both actors are strong and capable. There is a touch of protection provided by Redford that seems a little Patriarchal. I actually like that too, since I feel like that’s part of my job as her husband, to protect her actively and passively, not putting us or her in dangerous situations needlessly and providing protection when danger does come close.

As it turns out, Streep faces her fear, the charging lioness, takes the shot and dispatches the danger. Then Redford takes the shot and dispatches the danger coming from another direction. Together, as partners, they face their fears, they don’t run from their fears, they don’t go looking for trouble, but when trouble comes, they take the shots needed to protect each other. It’s a marvelous piece of film. And it’s a marvelous picture of what Debbie and I have together. I think we have always had it, it’s just more surefooted today than it ever has been.

For Debbie, knowing that she is safer in my presence and not in danger has been the challenge, for both of us. My challenge is to not carry on in any way that leaves her feeling vulnerable or unsafe and her challenge has been to get close to me so that we can protect each other as a team. That was not her norm. Her norm was that there is no one else to protect her and she has to protect herself. That made her stronger in some ways, less vulnerable, less dependent. When you can do something by yourself, you usually end up doing it by yourself. And this crowds out the partnership of marriage.

Understanding and talking about these things has brought freedom to us, to choose safe places and experiences, to create safety, to recognize the lack of safety in certain places and times, and to trust in God that He wants us to be safe and He gave us to each other for safety and protection. What are we protecting? The other persons dignity, courage, spirit, entrepreneurial leanings and much more. The safe place to raise a family, carry on God’s mission for us and so much more.

I did not realize this very well until this summer. There is some danger in going out into the park behind our home, not much really, but some. Yet Debbie embraced this space as hers and invited me into it as her partner. The whole experience has drawn us together in ways that we did not know possible. The encounter with the Coyotes set us up to see how we can protect each other by being together, acting as a team instead of a single approach to fear.

When I asked Debbie for her heart this year, she began to learn a fresh way of giving her heart to me, allowing me to protect her. I am not sure she has yet come to automatically expect my protection when fears arrive, but she is seeing me as a guard to her heart and not a useless bystander, or worse an invader of her heart. She has made me her guy. That, my friends, is amazing.

Love Story 8 Expectations and Possibilities

Marriage is so personal and it’s a bit out of character for me to talk about mine. It’s a little like trying to convince someone that doesn’t believe in God that there really is a God. I mean, marriage really can be great, way great. But sometimes we learn to settle for whatever we’ve got. Sometimes, things just coast along and seem to be just fine. In some ways, it doesn’t get any better than that. But in a sneaky way, time and love is slipping though our hands.

There will be people that tell you or teach you to settle for whatever you’ve currently got. That you have accomplished everything that you need to and you don’t need to spend much more energy on your marriage or your family, that it’s good enough.

I don’t have much use for those people. Who do they think they are, telling you to settle for what you’ve got and no need to try for more. This is heresy to me. But what’s even worse, I’m the one that tells me, myself and I, to settle for what I’ve got and how far we’ve come. I’m the one that has the power and the courage to reach for more, to make life better for my family, to bring encouragement instead of complaints, to see the stars in their eyes, the sinew in their bones, the hope in their hearts. I get to call forth greatness in the people entrusted to me.

I’ve know some form of this almost my entire life. I have always loved to stretch others to be greater and more accomplished. It’s one of my main reasons for existence. I’m good at it.

When I stop doing this with my wife and children, I betray God. And I don’t wake up one day and go Oh, I think I’ll just write them off, do my own thing, let them fall into the pit of their own making. No, it doesn’t happen like that. It’s a slow slide from high ideals to learning to settle for whatever seems to be current reality. In fact, it’s often so slow that you don’t really know it’s taking place.

My worst enemy is myself. God gave me a family so that I could raise them and teach them to reach for the heaven’s. Oh man, how many times I’ve settled for the easiest hilltop, or the shortest jaunt.

Marriage is not easy all the time. You have to work at it much of the time. When you stop working at it, you don’t make it easier, you just stop working. Come on now, what else do you have that is more important than the relationship that God called you to? What’s more important than guiding someone into Glory and the very presence of God. I have even resisted this at times, knowing I wasn’t good enough to be like God, or even point the way to God.

Recently Debbie got me to reading a chapter or two from Scripture each night. We read some other books as well. But each night, we take up something that astonishes us, and brings us closer because we share a common path. That path is toward a God that loves us with an everlasting love.

This summer I had several complaints to make with Debbie, turns out, she turned them around on me in secret. I wanted more intimacy with her, I wanted her heart as I’ve said. She wanted more, she wanted to be sure that God had her heart as well. And she made me a part of her plan to gain that confidence. She almost handcuffed me to the Word and said read. Yes, I’m funnin and exaggerating, but her wish and hope was for intimacy in our whole family, and God as the head of our family.

I’m thinking that maybe I should be more careful with my complaints, Debbie might turn them on me and get me to do something that I had no idea I was going to do. More funnin there.

But what’s beautiful about it, we are discovering anew what we really want for ourselves, our family, our God and our others. We’re not in SETTLE mode, we are in stretch, reach, look for what’s possible, expect what you had earlier hoped for, but did not believe was possible.

This has been tough at times for me and Debbie. Any complaints can come across if not carefully handled as if you are saying that something is wrong with you, you are not good enough, you must get better or else. Our delicate hearts and sensitivities struggle to hear that someone is not pleased with us. And then we start to settle for less, less of ourselves, less of God, and less of each other.

But God is not a lessor God, believe me. He wants more for me than I can imagine. And I’m so glad that He is there to encourage us to strive for a greater marriage. In an interesting way, it doesn’t seem like work at all right now. It’s fun. And Debbie told me a while back she gets great joy out of seeing me happy and having fun. Our marriage is fun, more fun than ever. And here’s to more fun, laughter, stretch and craziness, moon gazing and sunrises, and smiles. Whatever tough times lie ahead, we have these beautiful days to carry us through. And I have sweet souls around me to share them with. I’m off to read with my lover. Talk To You Later. ttyl

Love Story 7 Trauma

Imagine feeling afraid every time you take a ride in the car, or walk out in an open space, or going into a store and not knowing where the exits are, or sitting in a dark basement on the Fourth of July because you feel like its a war zone out there.

This are not imaginings for those dealing with PTSD. I call it PTS, leaving off the disorder part since some veterans find that part offensive and labeling. Anybody can be affected by PTS. At pretty much any age. It is a breach of the brains ability to repel traumatic stress and calm itself to know that things are going to be ok. The victim of PTS has trouble when they try to differentiate between the event or events that took place in the past, like IED’s going off on a road in Afghanistan and hometown fireworks on July 4th.

The current event may be totally benign and even family friendly, but the victim of PTS is not living in that moment but a past moment(s) that was filled with danger, fear, rage, shame and other complicated emotions.

Every war has produced PTS but it was not officially recognized until the 1980’s, several years after the real end of Vietnam for America. It was technically over in 1975, but for the most part, we wound down our ops there by 73. And a good number of Vietnam vets suffer from it.

PTS is very common among returning soldiers, sailors and airmen. And it’s pretty common in the general public as well. Estimates are all over the map, but conservatively, half or more of the vets that were in combat are dealing with PTS.

I saw a lot of vets over the years with PTS though most had learned to manage it. It left them off course sometimes and vulnerable, but some learned to rise above it all and make good use of their lives. I’ve know dozens that didn’t. It can be treated.

The key problem is trauma, and in many cases, repeated trauma. I’m no expert on Trauma and treatment but I recognize symptoms when I come across them, especially after my dealings with veterans at the end of their lives.

It took quite a few years to recognize the trauma in our lives, Debbie’s abusive father being the source of repetitive traumas in her life, and a couple of traumatic experiences in my life that have affected me. I don’t think I’ve ever been traumatized enough to warrant the diagnosis of PTS, that’s another subject since I’ve certainly gone through some hellish experiences, but Debbie had seven to nine years of repeated traumas.

The traumas set her off in a bad direction for those years. The army seemed to provide an escape from the traumas, I get the irony of that of course. But she found decency, hard work, some identity and some good friendships in the army. And then she met me.

I was unaware of what she had been through so I did not understand some of her distance at first. She was never mean, or even cold, her personality is too bubbly for that. But she had me just off at arms length from really knowing and exploring her heart and mind.

I’m a skunk, if I want you to know what I’m thinking, I just come out and tell you. Frankly, most New Yorkers were like that when I was going up. Maybe it should be called New Yorker disorder. Debbie was from California and a more mellow world where you wernt’t as direct. Debbie was a turtle, if I tried to find out what she was thinking and feeling, she found herself instinctively pulling inside her shell. She needed a safe space at times in our marriage, sometimes I was safe and sometimes I wasn’t.

We have both moved more toward being skirtles, crosses between skunks and turtles. I almost never blurt out my deeper feelings because I learned to filter some things for various reasons, and Debbie has learned to talk about how she feels about things that are tough for her now that she knows it’s safe to do so.

This is where I have had to learn what security means to her. Saftey, freedom from trauma, repeat trauma in fact requires repeated safe activities and spaces.

It’s no good at all for you to use a label like PTS and apply it to someone in your life to put them in a category or box. It is a clinical term and diagnosis that should be determined with care and love. Having said that, you should not be ignorant of what it looks like, the expressions it takes or as they say in the brain health work, how it presents.

And do not mistake PTS like episodes that happen once or twice in life for PTS itself. But learn to recognize trauma in your relationships and how you might be a source, or a secondary source of that trauma and then hopefully a source of hope and support to the one that has been traumatized.

I have friends that do not much like all this diagnosis stuff, they find that if you just love people that you will be doing what God wants you to do and that it’s just that simple. They have little trust in professional help. I get that, the day we live in it’s hard enough to trust people. But the cost of that distrust might just be too high.

I wouldn’t say it hurt our marriage much, but it did hold us back from some things over the years, and I could have done better at some things had I known or understood how PTS and trauma affected our marriage.

Trauma creates barriers to intimacy. Learn about those traumatic barriers and your intimacy will have a new part to play in your marriage. Some people repress the major traumas of their lives. Ther’re just too traumatic for them to live through again. If someone doesn’t want to talk about something, learn to respect that. It took me quite a few years to come to that place. Patience and love are called for at all times.

Love Story 6 More on Marriage.

What would I do over or differently if I could? I would put her needs first. And the first need is to find out what her needs are. This was not easy. Her experience did not allow her to trust me for two reasons, her fathers abuse transferred itself to me and our relationship and then when I acted in a manner that was similar to her fathers trying to control her, I failed again to get her to share her need.

I often thought I was putting her needs first, but somehow, I managed to slip my needs in there right alongside hers or even claim I was meeting her needs when I was really trying to meet mine. Say that 10 times fast. Anyhow, marriage can be complicated, that’s all I’m saying. We don’t always know why we do what we do. The more you understand the why of your way, you will end up going where no-one has gone before. A little Star Trek inspiration there.

Now if you’re thinking, Marty, how could you have known all that when you were so young, and don’t beat yourself up over those things, then stop thinking that. I’m not beating myself up and I realize that we had the deck stacked against us when we got married. I’m just saying you can learn from other marriages, good, bad and otherwise.

It’s been difficult to settle for living with some unmet needs. In the last few years I began to notice how much Debbie has disliked some of our trips and places where we have gone. Often it is about the travel experience or how much time we continued to spend in the car even after we got to our destination. She had good reason for those feelings and I agree with them. But it took several years to get to the bottom of why they were troubling for her. This summer we got to the bottom and now we are building back up on our travel plans and places.

My need to travel and fill my eyes with wonder and geography and beauty and interesting cultures was threatened when I found that she was not very interested in going with me. In fact, truth be told, she was not looking forward to any more travel. I’ll give you a hint, just a hint, I learned to drive in New York City. Nuff Said?This brought about some heated conversations. And in those conversations, I began to see that I didn’t always cause the problems but I was often a poor solver of those problems and sometimes I actually made travel and outdoor living more stressful for her and the family. We worked though that this year and my needs are again being addressed to my great joy and relief.

Now, I am so much more ready to put Debbies needs back above mine that I have been in a long time. The funny thing, if you can learn to do this, there is a good chance you will address your needs in due time and the outcomes will be much better.

A lot of this post is about the ability to communicate. And if you can talk to each other with clarity and understanding of why you feel certain feelings, then you have a good chance of meeting each others needs and bringing happiness into your lives.

And if the deck is stacked against you because of the baggage you bring to marriage, then you have to work harder at this. Many people suppress their needs until one day they can’t do it any longer. Then they have a confrontation. And after a certain amount of unresolved confrontations, they separate or divorce. Easier to stop fighting in many case then to figure out what is really going on.

I’m an idealist most of the time. I think most things can be fixed in marriage. Maybe I’m naive, or even immature. Sometimes I’m a bit of a, nah, I’m not gonna say it. But I remain hopeful.

The other thing I would try to be better at is by expressing my needs in a non demanding way. Debbie says I told her my needs and there was some threat attached to them if they went unmet. If we didn’t travel together anymore, then our marriage would be blank or blank. Well, don’t do that. Keep the ultimatums away from your unmet needs. Don’t let them be in the same conversation. Find a way of explaining your needs without threatening your partner. That’s deeply disrespectful. People can’t hear your needs when you disrespect them.

I think those two ideas are useful and just might save you a lot of grief and unpleasantries in your marriage and maybe all your relationships. Give it a try. Determine to get better at communicating your needs and how you want to see those needs met and put the other persons needs ahead of your own.

Love Story 5 Light Theory

This summer, Debbie started timing her day by sunrise. I’ve been a night owl, but she has always been zippy in the morning. In fact, she has several activities or practices before the sun even shows up. I have one practice, SLEEPING.

Getting our schedule together, otherwise know as Circadian Rhythm has not been easy. Not the hardest thing I’ve done in my life, but not the easiest. She is more circadian and I'm less rhythm. At least at that time of day.

I’m not enough of a scientist to know everything about light and how it affects the human body and our activity levels, but I think there is something to it. So I join her every morning and get my dose of morning light.

One of the benefits of this switch from being a nighty to a morning person is that I get time with her. This was one of my complaints, that life and its craziness made it hard for us to have much quality time together. One of her solutions for that problem was to get up and walk several miles every morning when I could barely keep my eyes open. I hope you’re not laughing at me right now, I can feel you laughing, your little gleeful I’m a happy, zippy morning person laugh.

I don’t hate morning people. I don’t hate anyone. But if I did have a bit of hate, I’d bet there was a morning person involved. Just saying. But don’t let me throw shade on your sunrise.

I’m just a bit happy with myself that I get up every morning, throw on 3 layers of warm clothes, wool socks, thick hiking boots, some kind of hat and a face covering that makes me look like I’m in the desert riding a camel. And lately, it’s quite cold. But I’m proud.

Sometimes Debbie worries I’ll have another stroke out there. I don’t want that. But I’m doing other things to prevent that. So yes, Light or Debbie, or both are charging me. She’s perky and happy and fun to be with at six am and I’m awake. Anything better than that and she considers it a bonus.

I’ve got to turn in now, I don’t want to miss the sun with my sweetheart.

Love Story 4 Marriage Theory, whatever that is.

There is a clinician that I like to listen to and she says something like, Show me the way you were loved and I’ll show you the way you will love. I could have used that tidbit when I first got married.

Our parents should have something to do with getting us prepared for life, relationships and in most cases, marriage. When I took on the parenting role, nobody gave me a manual or any real tips on what I should be doing for the first years with my wife and then the years with our kids. For whatever reason, I just took it as it came and made the best of it.

Marriage for me was about me and my wife. Hurl anything you want at me at this point, I think I can take it. For Debbie, it was more about family. She was right and I was wrong.

I don’t have the time or the energy to blame my parents, nor Debbie’s parents. They did the usual, food on the table, roof over our heads and so on. My father taught me some work and craft skills and took me into the woods on adventures, and invested in my scouting experience so that I had a lot to fall back on as I joined the Army. My mother not nearly as much, but she was not bad or anything like that. She often worked when I was home and so I was left with my father. It sounds funny perhaps, but I was basically left alone, even abandoned, all though I had two parents around.

I tried to ask my father one time about how to date a girl. He never acknowledged my question, nor put down the news paper, no response at all. That was the last time I asked him for desperately needed advice about how to interact or treat a woman. I was 12. I didn’t know it at the time, but he had 5 more years to work with me before I learned anything about women while in was in the army. And what I learned there wasn’t good.

My father did model good treatment of my mother and that has stuck with me to this day, but I did not learn how to make a good marriage and support a family from my parents.

Debbie’s story is even more painful. A father is supposed to treat his daughter as the greatest young woman in the world with timely praise and great encouragement. Not only did her Father not do that, but he did some terrible things beyond description to her. Her mom was powerless to stop it or didn’t know how I guess.

Debbie has many good memories of her early years in sports and with other family members and her two brothers. I enjoy listening to those stories, they were bright spots in her life that kept her alive and happy and eventually brought us together.

But parents in todays sense of preparing us for life, they were not very good at it. Pretty bad in fact, at times anyhow. So what is a 19 and a 21 year old to do when they get married after knowing each other for 3 weeks? Three weeks, 21 days, man, I don’t recommend that to anyone. Debbie and I joke about it these days, good thing we tied the knot quickly because we probably would not have agreed if we knew each other better.

Our reasons for getting married were lacking terribly and might have been completely wrong but we have come to appreciate each other in so many ways and give credit to God for His plan to bring us together. And keeping us together. I made too many mistakes which would have sent other women away, Debbie resisted the urge to flee and stuck it out.

Marriage is God’s gift to us humans. He offered us many gifts, but when a great marriage comes along, the world is a better, richer place for it. If you’re married, I hope you were better prepared for it than we were. We’ve had some tough times over the years. Much of our marriage has been somewhere between good and pretty good. Until this summer when our hearts drew close enough to each other to share our blood, I never knew how good our love could be.

Wherever you are with marriage, assuming you are the marrying type, some aren’t; but wherever you are, you can learn to settle into making your spouse and your family a healthy priority and learn new ways of making their lives better. Debbie and I walk each morning, go to the gym 3 times a week together, have some co-activities during the day or separate activities and get together for reading sessions every night. When the spring comes, I expect we will be back outside some more, enjoying the sun throughout the day and watching sunsets. Our spiritual life is maybe in the best place it’s every been, even after all those years of being a spiritual leader, but that’s another post.

Marriage is truly a gift from God and it has taken me many years to learn how to accept and treat His gift. More to learn for sure. Start earlier than we did and learn as much as you can about your beloved and treat them with respect and dignity, playfulness and spunk, courage and determination and put your whole heart into it. Don’t wait, do it now.

Love Story 3 Attachment Theory Lite

Attachment to another person has been the subject of a lot of authors and clinicians. They have come up with some theories that make some sense. Some of us easily attach to others, especially when you are physically attracted to them. That would be a good description of me. Some do not so easily and avoid readily attaching to others, that is closer to my wife.

There seem to be healthy kinds of attachments and not so healthy attachments. Too Klingy or too distant seem to be the chief characteristics of an imperfect attachment style. If there is a perfect attachment, I haven’t come across it, but there must be something that strikes a balance and the clinicians call a healthy attachment style.

I think these concepts are not very good because they generalize peoples relationships. On the other hand, I think these concepts can be helpful because you can look at what wise people often think of as healthy relationships. And you can see where you fall in the spectrum. The theory does not have a one size fits all category and so you need to be careful as you think about these things.

When you start hearing things like, you smother me, or I’m losing my identity, or I need space, or you can’t handle me being away from you, then you are dealing with attachment theory from the avoidant side. When you hear things like, you won’t do anything with me anymore, or you won’t kiss me like you mean it or why does it seem like you are trying to get away from me? Then you are dealing with the other side of attachment theory.

Two things I’ve learned from attachment theory, you have to take your partners concerns seriously. As a sidetnote, some partners take a long time to even tell you their concerns. So you may have to put a lot of work into finding out those concerns. The other thing I learned from attachment theory is that you come to marriage already prepped to attach well or to attach poorly.

It is something you learned in your earlier years and your marriage either blooms or withers depending on how well you get along with each other in your mates presence and in their absence.

The trouble for Debbie and I is probably obvious to you if you’ve known us or read our posts. I attach easily and she holds off. She makes friends easily, but the deep relationship with me was different. And we didn’t really have to deal with this for many years except on a couple of occasions. Which meant we did not talk about it well. We were pretty satisfied for the most part over the years, but something left me feeling like there was more for us.

I tried to explain it and we kept dancing around it because I did not do well at communicating my thoughts. But one day, while I was gone to the Boundary Waters Debbie had an encounter with God on the morning walk we take each day now. She and God were visiting and like the crusty scales over Pauls eyes falling away, Debbie began shedding fears as well. In a few minutes she was renewed for our partnership and love. That encounter with God set us up for a fantastic romance this summer. It provided the courage for her to grow closer to me and it ended up bringing great confidence to both of us that we are well loved in so many ways, both by God and each other.

Debbie still finds the explanation of what took place on the dam behind our house to be supernatural. When she tries to explain it, she has to work hard to find all the words to describe it. I don’t need much of an explanation as I am enjoying it so much and I continue to adore her for giving her heart to me again with such a full embrace when I got back from the canoe trip. Our time apart created an amazing reunion and as they say, the rest is history.

Over the years, we’ve noticed quite a few couples that have not found the balance that I’m talking about. Maybe half or more, not sure, but we feel the pain of those couples that seem to smother or separate to cope with their individual needs. We don’t have it all figured out, but we do well at talking about it now, and allowing God to create our schedule, agenda, hopes and dreams for each day.

If I had to do it all over again, I world try to learn more about what creates trust between two people that are intimate. Trust for me seems easier, at least until you show yourself to be untrustworthy too many times. Trust for Debbie was harder to come by. Much of that comes from being unable to trust the people that should have modeled trust to her in her early years. We’ve know that for years but I still knew very little about creating trust for her to be fully herself. I would change that sooner if I could go back in time.

I used to tell people about Skunks, Turtles and Skirtles. Some of us are Skunks, you know where we are and when we are around, we just spray it out and you go pew, smell that. Skunk alert. Some are turtles, when danger is around they withdraw into their shell until danger is passed. I would tell people maybe it’s better to try to be a cross between the two, a skirtle. But that is a subject for communication theory, a post yet to come.

In the meantime, if you get something out of this post, it probably should be something like this, worry a little less about your needs and when they will be met and take more of an interest in your partners needs and build trust in the process. Trust is key. Love you Dear.

Love Story 2. The Theories that led to this Summer

This summer was full of closeness and love. It started at least last Dec when I had my stroke, and in some ways earlier, and now it is November and it is still going on. It really got started because of several theories and a few practical applications of those theories, retirement as well, and for Debbie, her search for emotional, spiritual and physical health. Debbie also began learning about Quantum Theory if you want to get a little ahead in this story, do some checking of that topic. This post and the following posts will be divided into these theories so all I will do today is list them.

Maslow’s Theory describes a hierarchy of needs. https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

Attachemnt Theory https://practicalpie.com/attachment-styles-theory

Grief Theory https://www.psycom.net/stages-of-grief

Pain Management Theories

Retirement Theory or Philosophy

PTSD

Quality of Life

End of Life Care Theory

Marriage

Communication Theory

Spiritual Practices

Emotional Responses

Light Theory

Dietary Theories

Theories are just that, theories. They are not facts, nor are they proven science. Many of these theories are Social Science theories and find proof illusive. They are vehicles to explain what we think is going on in our world, body or mind, in some cases the whole universe. I like theories. I use theories and so do you. I don’t agree with a lot of the theory nor am I informed by one theory alone as you can see from the above list, but sometimes, a bunch of theories come together and help you make sense of the current events in your life. Some of these theories are being heavily criticized and in some cases reworked if not nullified. Kubler Ross and her theories about grief are heavily discussed and debated as are attachment theories. And if you haven’t been under a rock, you’ve noticed that the theories about different diets have been a war zone in the last few years.

I still find a lot of useful thinking in these theories and sometimes they lead me to other sources of wisdom that contribute to our wellbeing. That’s what happened to me and Debbie this Summer.

A very brief look at Maslow’s theory and how it affected this summer for us is simple. I see his hierarchy of needs as a ladder to climb in our lives. It has five rungs. It is a process. I like process. Process gives me a path to a goal or goals. I like maps. Maps are full of surprise but offer basic processes to getting somewhere. Others have used maps so you can have a high level of confidence that the map will help you as well. So they offer both the constant and the unexpected. You can count on a stream showing up just ahead because you know where you are on the map and it shows a stream ahead and if you keep going in the right direction, you will come upon the stream. I recognize some people don’t seem to work this way, but I do, and I’m writing this so my perspective is featured here. If you find this perspective intimidating or disagreeable, maybe you would be blessed by asking God about it or talking it over with someone you trust. I’m happy to dialogue about it as well.

For me, Maslow’s theories have offered me a map of relational places. More importantly, they have offered me a process of how to move about the map. There is a building over there, a high point to the north, a lake to the east, a radio tower planted in the highest area and so on. These way points on the map can then be accessed and observed and helpful in moving forward. Man, do I love maps.

Maslow's theories about human needs are maps then, and reading those maps offer me a way, or a process to move forward with skill and pleasure and caution and abandon.

Back to the five steps if you want to call them that, Physiological Needs, Safety and Security, Love and Belonging, Esteem and lastly, Self Actualization. I won’t take the time to explain them today or probably ever because I think you need to search them out for yourself when the time comes for you to do that. But for Debbie and I , we found our way through all of those 5 stages this year, this Summer.

That had never happened before and I am so grateful that it is happening now. It’s like climbing a mountain that you were told was impossible and you could never do it. And your partner doesn’t support you in the climb for a number of years, and then finally one summer, both you and your partner have an awakening, an epiphany and you decide to lay aside your fears and make the climb. The higher you go, the fears fall away more quickly.

This summer was activated by half a dozen things if not more, but the base goal has always been to be on top of the mountain. We have had that, and are still there. I have no more fears, something I never thought I could experience, to be fearless. I’ve seen what’s possible and I’ve been the to the mountaintop and I’ve embraced God there and had my love and life partner with me where she was able to fall into her heavenly Father’s arms and let go of all her fears as well.

When we get a chance to meet Maslow in heaven, I will have some long interrogations with him. But for now, I’ll just say thanks for a wonderful summer.

There is a lot of help on the internet to understand Maslow’s ideas, start your search or ask me for some thoughts about it, glad to offer more. One of the great questions Debbie and I tackled this year, is what are we afraid of? It keeps leading us back to God, He is afraid of nothing except us failing to recognize Him as the source of our strength and the One who goes before us and protects us from behind, night and day. We are in His hands and He wants amazing doors to open up before us. We are reading this lesson in the Bible book of Judges right now and it is a simple lesson but the most powerful of lessons. When you worship God and adore Him, Amazement and Power for living well are at hand.

Our Love Story

My wife is an extraordinary person. I respect her a great deal. She is smart and beautiful, strong and persistent, loyal and devoted and loves serving her family and our friends. Writing about her is both easy and tricky. She has revealed a lot of herself to our friends, for instance her struggle with Bulimia before and after our marriage, for some time she kept it from me I might add. And her struggle with what I consider PTSD from her fathers sexual and later verbal abuse when she was in grade school and into her early teens. This abuse has come out to me and some others over the years but until recently, I had not made the deeper connections and understanding of how it affected our love for each other. Suffice it to say, she is so much more remarkable than I realized when we were married in 1977 and how I have come to know her today.

For many of those years she kept some of those traumas to herself and could not allow me in to her heart or mind as much as I desired. In the last year, leading up to my retirement a few months ago, I began to revisit the idea that we needed to be closer to each other. My way of saying this, rather bluntly was, in my New York City style of curtly demanding something was simple. I told her on several occasions that I wanted more from her. I wanted her heart.

This proved to be very painful to her at first. I felt she loved football in a way that she should love and adore me. Her brother played professional ball and sports was a very safe space for her to excel and be herself. I felt that there were other things in our lives that came before me, like family or the care of our mothers in their last years. And while I have to admit that some of that was selfish on my part, we simply did not talk about it or know how to talk about it without fighting and neither of us wanted to fight.

This summer since I had more time on my hands after retirement, we began to spend more time together. And she leaned in toward me, responding to my calls for her heart, or as you might imagine, more intimacy. At first, this might seem like a question of more sex, and again, I have to admit that I like more sex. I suspect I’m not alone there, most guys probably think this way.

But we realized that what I wanted and what Debbie would come to want in a short time was something more than sexual intimacy, although that was part of it. We wanted to have each others hearts. If you make me try to explain that idea, I might disappoint you, but I think you instinctively know what I’m getting at.

Debbie is the biggest giver in our family and we had her spread pretty thin in the last few years. She loved and cared for grade school kids that looked up to her and supported the teaching staff at her school with grace and wisdom. Then our mothers took turns toward their last years of life and both died within weeks of each other, almost two years ago. Debbie was the primary and often sole caregiver for both of them. A short part of that time she was caring for both of them at the same time and the rest of us as well. I’m not exaggerating when I say that it’s a miracle that she came through that time and has taken on the role of lover and wife with such courage and that she survived it all. I helped some and so did other family members, but Debbie was in a very tough spot through it all. I cannot explain more nor thank her enough for the care of our two mothers that Debbie provided before and after they died. She loved them both with a huge heart love. My mother was extra blessed by Debbie because Debbie had to be extra patient with her. My mom could be a pain in the backside more often than not and Debbie survived that without coming to hate her. I’ll leave it at that, maybe someday I’ll give an example, but for now, lets just say if they gave out Gold Medals for Caregiving, Debbie would have at least two of them and probably several more for the rest of our family. I tried to help her by being less of a pain in the backside and being more supportive to her and her often unmet needs during that time, but I’m sure I fell short.

All that to say, that coming out of that time and into another period of relational adjustment with me is a bit mind boggling and she has handled it with grace and determination and love. I love her for it.

In fact, this summer I created the first stay at home spa day for her to say thank you. I tried to give her everything that a spa resort could give her and make the most peaceful day possible for her. Ain’t I sweet? Well, let’s just say I look forward to the next one. Husbands, if you don’t do this for your wife, you are missing out. I’m just saying.

We had 5 arguments as I remember it this summer. Remember now, that Debbie is changing and leaning in toward me with all her heart as best she knows how. And each time I started these arguments because I felt like we could do better and something was still missing. They were painful for both of us, maybe excruciating for her because she was already making serious changes and overtures of love to me. She had to get mad at me several times to get me to see things from her perspective and after the last argument, I settled down and realized so clearly how fortunate I am to be married to her.

I wanted more and faster and she wanted more and slower. I saw her past traumas as obstacles and she saw them as fears. I sometimes wish I could have helped her with her fears when we were first married, but we know that was not possible, me being 19 years old and so wet behind the ears that I was drowning in stupid selfishness. I couldn’t help myself, let alone help her face the traumas of her past and go through them and overcome the pain of them. In fact, unbeknownst to me, I often triggered her traumas by doing something or acting in a similar way that her father had, causing her more pain and reopening old wounds and fears. I had no idea that I was doing that, but I still ended up doing it.

If God had not come into our lives a few short years after we were married, I am fairly certain that we would not have stayed married. We would not have two wonderful children, Kristy and Michael and we would not have shared ourselves as pastors with so many wonderful church members and communities. Somehow, the path that God set us on, made us stay together. And we loved each other through it all.

This summer, that love got a lot sweeter and richer and higher and more beautiful. I will talk more about this summer in the next post. Other posts might go back a bit in time to where the two of us came from and how that set us up to get married in three weeks, and how we have kept a home together for 45 years. I’ll also talk about some of my regrets, letting my job as a pastor fail to show me how to be a good husband and father, and how I struggled with the insecurities of serving the church and its members and keeping my supervisors happy at the same time. It was not a win win situation and I hope to offer a few thoughts on what should be your priority as a pastor and how to keep it a priority.

This post ends with a gratitude thought of how persistent Debbie is to seek out God’s ways. She has always led me in this path, a step or two ahead and I want her to know that this has made all, and I mean all the difference in our wonderful lives. When she first took up a friendship with God, I was terrified of losing her. I didn’t really have her you might say, or at least I thought that to be the case. But then for her to give her heart to God when I felt like she couldn’t give it to me, that did scare me a lot. I decided after a week or so to get on board with this love of God thing as well, maybe, partly out of the fear of losing her. I’m very happy to say, that I found love from both as we joined together in our love for God. Our love this summer is the fruit of our courage to turn our eyes to Jesus and look full in His wonderful face. Looking at Debbie’s face every morning as we enjoy the sunrise together reminds me that God is well pleased with her devotion to him and her devotion to me. And it makes me so deeply devoted to them as well. Heaven and earth have held still to see God move in our lives and I owe a lot of that to Debbies sticktoitness and love of God. Thanks Dear.

Not So Static

We are a nation built for slow and subtle change. We occasionally are confronted with the ugly side of our history, that we could empower slavery for instance. What a horrible part of our history. Looking into these horrors is not easy, but when we yield to the discovery of our darker sides, we eventually soften and grow stronger toward all fellow human beings.

We have a country that is built to change, sometimes radically. Yet we seem to be in such pain as we change, ready to throw out the people that are most important to this country, ourselves. It is far too easy to dismiss, trash and discard those who advocate for some type of change that we want no part of. We may know we are right on the subjects and that may settle the whole affair for us, no need for further dialogue or any kind of connection at all.

When we do this death dance with others, we are ultimately destroying what the founding leaders of our country wanted so hard to avoid. They wanted us to grow and mature and wizen so that America would never be static but better, always moving toward better.

I pray each day for leadership that remembers that we are in this together and then acts that way. We are not static, we are changing, together we can be better.

Leadership Today

Like the world around us, Leadership has morphed and adjusted to the surrounding story of humanity. The story that is and the story that is projected to be are the drivers of what it means to be a leader. In the past, leadership was more exploratory. The leader went out of the castle and into the unknown. Today, leadership is about building up the castle and waiting for the storms to come and go and come again.

Pandemic leadership you might call it. We are so accustomed to this type of leadership, hunker down, protect ourselves, stay out of trouble type of leadership, that we are often very afraid to leave our bedrooms without layers of protection against man and nature.

This type of leadership is in vogue and even necessary today. Are the disasters coming faster and furious? Perhaps. The more subtle observation is that the disasters are affecting more people today and they are more costly, both in terms of human lives and property.

How did we get here and where are we going? There are plenty of modern prophets making predictions and just as many modern historians with descriptions of our errant past.

All of that is life today. The big challenge I think is finding out what kind of leadership you wish to employ and model. Protect the castle leadership, defensive leadership you might say, or offensive leadership, taking the fight to the fields and the forests.

There is more offensive leadership going on than you might think, but it does not get the coverage that you would wish for. I humbly suggest it is the leadership that is most needed today, because tomorrow our castles may not protect us, but wise leadership will know what to do.

Leaders that have been through the tough times know what to do in all times. I have no insights into how tough 2023 will be or the year after that. I do know one thing for certain, that as long as this planet is still spinning, we will need leaders that are not afraid to leave the castle and take their people with them. You can choose your story even when the story line sounds like the sky is falling all the time and you can choose your leadership style even when it is not in style. We need great leaders today, on both sides of the ball. Can you be both, I don’t know. It will take the greatest kind of leadership to show us if that’s possible. Maybe that is you.

So Much Crazy

A Disaster a Day Saps the Courage I say

Do we have more disasters today and is it going to get worse? Shootings, hurricanes, train derailments, food shortages, pandemics, imagined pandemics. I wouldn’t fault you for wanting to stay in bed for a month or two. What do you do or even think in the middle of these dark times and stories?

One of the first things we do is to ask ourselves is it really that bad out there. It just might be. This is a moving target in a target rich environment with a seemingly inexhaustible source of targets. I mean, bad news is everywhere. Just turn your tv on, or check any of your social media sources or even listen to some of your neighbors. A lot of dark stuff available for you to consume.

The big question at this point, “Do I have to consume this fodder every day, or is there a better way of staying connected with the world?”

Do you even want to be connected? I think so, but it can be tough out there. Hang in there and chase the light for now, it tends to turn off the darkness.

Friendly Faces

Where are the friendly faces?

When I walk on the dam I look for the friendly faces.

My wife is a friend maker, turning indifferent faces into friendly faces. She has trouble walking by someone without a greeting or even a smile. I have less trouble than she does. I like to watch her take her smile and cause reactionary smiles in others. If you have a dog and we happen to see you and your dog, Debbie makes a friend out of that dog and the owner is almost always more friendly after that.

Most people think their purpose for a walk is to exercise, or to get some fresh air, or to get away from some problem, or to have a bit of space. Debbie goes looking for people to befriend. I should correct that, she goes out to be a friend, to the grass, the sun, the lake, the ducks, the Eagles, the Meadowlarks,  the dogs, the people. We practice memorizing the dogs names and eventually the people too.

It’s a fascinating way to live, friend walking and friend making. Where I grew up in New York and New Jersey, it was not acceptable or even appreciated to be this friendly. There were very friendly people in those states and cities, you just did not get to stop them and start a 20 or 30 minute conversation with them and find out their life story. Most were in a hurry to be somewhere.

It’s taking me some time to let the hurry go and find a new speed. Although Debbie walks faster than me, she’s not in much of a hurry. I walk slower than her and I usually have the hurry up feeling. A bit strange. I’m learning to walk faster and slow down at the same time. Kind of fun.

Anyhow, we celebrate our dam friends, Holmes Lake dam that is, and look forward to seeing them and increasing the capacity for embracing more of them, dogs and humans alike.

Retirement, more health, not less.

It’s interesting that you don’t need something until you go looking for it and sometimes you find things that you really need but really weren’t looking for.

I don’t think I totally ignored good health for my first 65 years, but I certainly took it for granted. As if it would always be there for me. I mean, Why Trouble Trouble When Trouble Doesn’t Trouble You? Why mess with your health in your early years?

The reality is, your health is a resource to an active life, and your health needs good care and management. That statement alone makes me think that health should be a primary course in school for every young student.

I started taking my health more seriously when it was threatened and it dawned on me how much I stood to lose without in my Senior years. Pretty big wake-up call.

So the wife and I are waking up each day with the health of our health in mind, front and center, present and accounted for.

You don’t have to wait till you retire, you can give it a go anytime, anyplace. When you go looking for it, it will be easy to find. It’s right in front of you all along.

The Queen

With a last name like Thurber, I must be British. At least I like to think so. My father used to say we came over on the Mayflower, so I am comfortable claiming Britain in my loins.

Notwithstanding that likely heritage, I did not think about the Queen much. I do feel the sadness of her loss and the sorrow that must be felt through the United Kingdom today.

What I do love about the Queen is her consistent and ongoing engagement with history, from WW11 through the Afghanistan war. The Cold War, the Vietnam war, all wars and by extension all periods of peace as well. The wars would normally be seen as the times that were most turbulent, but I think that all is turbulence today. Are there more than a few minutes of rest without drastic dramas taking place everyday? It does not seem so.

The thing about the queen, she lived and led though all of it, and did not lose her grip on account of changing history, even declining history. She kept a stiff upper lip as the Brits used to say.

Churchill did not last nearly as long in power as the queen did, but Churchill was a great symbol of persistence in the most dire times. Never, Never, Never Quit was his thing. Humanity needs the Churchill Spirit more than we know.

The Queen had it as well. She was less brash, sarcastic, more royal, less common perhaps. But she and Churchill shared the perspicacity and fierce resolve of the British people, the British Bulldog he was and she was the longest Monarch.

The two of them are heros of the last century. There are not many like them, few if any I’m afraid to say. I believe we will see their like again, but I can’t say when or who. I just believe that, mostly because history calls forth the heros when they are needed.

They both lay at their rest now. We go on. And whatever is in you of Britannia today must sally forth to meet the new day. As they say, God Bless the Queen. As they will soon say, God Bless the King.

Sitting on the Dock of the Bay

Listening to that song today brought a bit of calmness to me. Wasting time, sitting on the dock of the Bay, watching the tide roll away.

Here the words-

Sittin' in the mornin' sun
I'll be sittin' when the evenin' comes
Watching the ships roll in
Then I watch 'em roll away again, yeah

I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away, ooh
I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

I left my home in Georgia
Headed for the Frisco Bay
'Cause I've had nothin' to live for
It look like nothin's gonna come my way

So I'm just gon' sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away, ooh
I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay, wastin' time

Look like nothin's gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same, yes

Sittin' here restin' my bones
And this loneliness won't leave me alone, listen
Two thousand miles, I roam
Just to make this dock my home

Now I'm just gon' sit, at the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away, ooh yeah
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

Love it, for the day anyhow. I worked hard for many years but on the few occasions where I changed jobs or locations, it was a very interesting period, just trying to figure out where the next gig would be or come from. They always seemed to show up or find me, I never had to work to hard to find a call or change places or positions. I didn’t always get what I wanted but I got what I needed.

This time its different. I’m not looking for the next gig. I’m looking at this life in total. I wish I could have thought like this when I was young. I wish I would have gone into my 20s and 30s with more awareness of what I wanted to do in this life. But alas, it was not to be.

Now I can reclaim a small part of that wish. And I don’t have to go shopping for a new gig, I know it will come, I just have to enjoy restin my bones and wasting some time.

Books and Me

I never met a book that didn’t want to follow me home. I rode my bike a couple of miles, up hill, one way, in the snow and ice just to go to the library in Garfield, so I could stack up books on the back tire rack and take them home, up hill in the snow and ice. The more books I could stack up, the smarter I felt. I practically begged my dad to take me to Barnes on 5th avenue, sometimes he’d let me hang out there for hours when he drove around Manhattan. That Barnes and I grew pretty tight. I still remember books I bought there. I used it like a library too, reading and reading till it was time to leave, whittling down my purchases to one or two books that I could not live without.

If books were a marker of being rich, I was obscenely wealthy. And dad was keen to build my collection. At least till one day when I brought home a book he did not approve of. I remember maybe three beatings, maybe four in my early years. This book brought on one of those beatings.

It was by hippy activist, Abbie Hoffman, called Steal This Book. Maybe, when dad found that book in my library, things changed forever. He could not stand for a book that taught you how to lie, cheat and steal your way through life. I’m sure he thought I was hopeless at that point in my life and the best thing was to turn me over to the state or better yet, the feds, or the Army. He finally got his way when I began talking with the recruiter. Dad wanted to get rid of me and I was all too ready to get rid of him. I don’t regret or feel sad about any of that, it is just the way things were. Lots to learn from it, but not feel bad about.

What did I learn then? Well, not everybody sees the world the same way. People go looking to find which camp they belong in and which camp will serve them best. The camps in those days were Hippy’s or activists and Traditionalists or the establishment. Perhaps it could be described that way today as well, I don’t know. I do know there are camps still. I was firmly in the traditionalist camp and didn’t know it. And if you’re wondering, I’ve been pretty much there my whole life. I liked the way things were and I was prepared to hold on to them, to conserve them.

I wasn’t much of an activist along Abbie’s thinking. It was the age when that tide was turning I signed up to join the Army as Vietnam was still the lead story every night. I didn’t go to Vietnam so I’m thankful for that, so much would be different today if I had. And I like the way things are today. But I was supportive of my country and its leadership, even when others were doing their best to tear it down.

So when I brought that book home, which I paid for, contrary to the title, I am sure I kicked a lot of sand in my fathers face. He was an amazing lover of freedom and taught me so much about standing up for the really oppressed people.

I learned to find oppression right near me and to act on it at the micro level. If I could help a friend, a neighbor, I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to do. The Scouts taught us to do a Good Turn Daily. I took that seriously. I was an activist along those veins.

If my son or daughter brought home that book, I would struggle with failure I suspect. I don’t want to see video’s of young people strolling into a store and stuffing Nike underwear into bags and walking out without paying for it. Yet videos like that are easy to find on the net. Maybe it’s better that we come to terms with what we do want. I want people to love to read, to improve their lives, to look out for their neighbors, to leave no footprint behind but love.

Maybe I want to be a librarian. Think I have a chance? People say you are what you eat. I’m thinking you are what you read. And I’m afraid that reading itself does not exist these days. At least there are still bookstores, where you have a chance to improve your smarts. I’ll be there sometime this week, hope to see you.

Bad Habits

What is a bad habit? I am not really asking, but I really am not sure either. Lately, as I try to transition to the life of not working at a traditional workplace, also called retirement by many, I’ve been evaluating my habits. Sleep, eat, fun, leisure, activity, things and times with Debbie, writing, daily routines and such. I was kind of anxious about all this before I retired, maybe not typical anxiety, but it was on my mind a lot.

I’m 40 days into this new lifestyle and loving it but I’m needing to rewire more than a few bad habits. We’ve been studying lifestyle changes beyond diet and exercise, to include spirituality, physics, nature, creation, presence, meditation, and others. The one that is on my mind a lot this week is sleep.

I’ve been wishing for better sleep for years, always being a late nighter, and knowing that this is a bad habit. I don’t know that technically, but I know it intuitively, plus lots of people say you should not stay up too late. I’m starting to believe they are right.

And they say that is half the battle, knowing when something needs to change and facing the needed change. Maybe. But the struggle ahead of me is to get to bed and have a restful sleep for 8 hours, starting at 11pm. Again as is so often the case, my main coach is my wife Debbie. You might not believe the routines she goes through to get ready for bed. Her discipline for habits continues to amaze me. I should write about it some day.

So here is my very basic plan, tell me what you think. For the rest of 2022, I will be in bed ready to sleep at 11pm and up at 7am. Then in January of next year I will move it to 10pm and up at 6am.

What is your routine? What works for you? What do you avoid? What secrets have you discovered? What struggles do you have? Do you even think about things like this?

Old Ben Franklin sure did, Early to Bed, Early to Rise Ben. He was death on bad habits. Yea, I ain’t no Ben Franklin, but still I’m gonna give it a go.